tri3plet

ten reasons why i can't write: 1. i can't write because when i do i take inefficient showers and get in with all my clothes on and sit there like an environmentalist on strike until my jeans are soaked all the way through 2. i can't write because when i do i tell my cat, bonnie, that her name is really beatrice and that she is descended from a long line of cat-queens and one day her real family will come and claim her, and that's really not very nice of me to lie to her like that. 3. i can't write because when i do i don't sleep because there are all kinds of spitting things waiting in the dark full of words and words

i write when my head is about to crush into a black hole i write when my heart is breaking into a million fuck yous i write when i'm alone, in amongst strangers i feel more connected to than my own mother i write when i'm confused about how i'm breathing, about how sometimes i don't want to be i write when i'm in love with photographs, representations, copy-cats, plaster, sticky-tape, temporary fix-its i write when i'm in desperate need for a vice i write when i cannot fathom the way every little fibre i do not understand works, when i turn on a light i write when i scald and scold myself with dirty hot words to try to make myself bett

sometimes at night i like to turn off my bedroom lights, shut the door, and close the curtains, so we're in the dark, and our eyes are disceived; this way i can pretend that it's really him who's kissing me, holding me, touching me, roaming me, moaning against me, instead of it being you - who's facing me. i try and put my ear to your heart and match up the synchronized beats to his, i try to remember what it was like falling asleep knowing i had his heart in my hands and how i was using it as a pillow to sleep at night. and in the morning when the sun glimpses through the cracks of my curtains, i sometimes keep my eyes closed for a moment lo